Emotional support

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Written by: Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C

They’re at the mall. They’re in your neighborhood. They are your friends and your family. They’re everywhere! When you have been struggling with infertility, it suddenly seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant. Everywhere you go you see pregnant women and big bellies. You can be out enjoying yourself and then you are unexpectedly confronted by this traumatic event. You feel as if you want to “flee” the situation. Especially if you are at an age when your friends and relatives are also getting pregnant and starting their families, it may seem as if everyone else is getting pregnant quickly and easily, and can’t understand why you have not.

The reality is that it is extremely painful to be faced with the visible success of others when you want this so much for yourself and feel so vulnerable and helpless. Seeing or even hearing about pregnancies can be a stimulus that triggers feelings of anger, sadness, and jealousy. You may be left feeling out of control and overwhelmed.

Support Groups

Strategies to Help Cope Around Others Who are Getting Pregnant

There are some strategies you can do to help with coping with other people who are getting pregnant or who are already pregnant that allow you to regain control of the situation and your emotions. Here are some questions to ponder and some possible solutions:

  1. Have you told any of your close friends or family members about what you are going through, even if not in a lot of detail? Letting a few close allies in on your situation can sensitize them to how difficult seeing/hearing about pregnancies can be for you. Think about what you may want from them. Do you want them to tell you about pregnancies right away, or to wait, or have someone else be a “reporter?” Would you prefer NOT to receive baby shower and birth announcements? Chances are if you can speak privately with a friend/relative about these issues they will understand and there will be fewer hurt feelings. If you simply cannot go to a baby shower, tell your friend that it is just too difficult for you to be in that kind of group setting. Maybe there will be another way to have some special time with your friend in the future. It may seem as if these relationships will be strained, but once your situation changes (and it WILL, one way or another) they can be repaired. You are not a bad person because you can’t “be there” for your friend’s pregnancy and most likely, if you express these feelings, she will understand.
  2. Take notice of when mothers and young children are most likely to be at the mall, for example (mornings, daytime, not at night!) and don’t go then. This will cut down on unexpected encounters with pregnancy.
  3. Recognize that jealousy is a normal feeling associated with infertility. Chances are you are not typically a jealous person, but this situation is bringing out these uncommon emotions in you. It is normal to feel frustrated when faced with infertility, especially as getting pregnant seems to come so effortlessly to others. These feelings of jealousy towards your friends and family members will ease in the future when your own situation has been resolved.
  4. If you are going to a party or family gathering where you know there will be a pregnant person, enlist the help of a partner, spouse, or friend. Agree on a signal or cue you can give if you are starting to feel uncomfortable and want to leave. There is no reason why you have to suffer through an experience that will set you back emotionally and leave you feeling depressed and defeated.
  5. It may seem like your newsfeed on social media is full of pregnancy announcements. We recommend joining Shady Grove Fertility’s community of hope of over 28,000 SGF Sisters. SGF’s Facebook community offers women and men facing infertility a space to share their struggles and successes. Receive support, resources, and reassurance.
  6. Last but not least, consider joining a support group of others experiencing infertility. You will find that many people face similar emotions and concerns as you and that your feelings are completely normal. Having a safe place to share and strategize about coping with infertility will help you to feel empowered to deal with the “outside world.” You may even make some new friends, which can help you feel less lonely and isolated, knowing that you are not alone in this struggle.

About Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C: Ms. Sachs has been on the psychological support team at Shady Grove Fertility for 25 years. She does infertility counseling with individuals and couples, and has led support groups and workshops for patients on many infertility-related issues including IVF treatment, secondary infertility, adoption, and families formed through gamete donation.

Schedule an Appointment

To learn more about Shady Grove Fertility’s support groups for individuals or couples experiencing infertility, or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please call and speak with one of our New Patient Liaisons at 877-971-7755. 

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in March 2016, but was updated in May 2019. 

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Seeking and accepting support is like weaving a safety net for yourself—the more connections or stands of support you have the stronger your net becomes. A strong support network lifts us up when we get low and can provide the strength we need to keep moving forward in the direction of our dreams.

Shady Grove Fertility offers a range of complimentary fertility support groups throughout Washington, D.C. and Baltimore, MD Metropolitan regions, designed to guide and help patients cope with any challenges they may face along the way.

Unsure about what to expect from a support group? Hear from our patients. Thousands who have attended once or attend regularly have found an invaluable community of love, hope, and healing.

“I am someone who handles stressful situations by talking them out with other people in the same situation. Being able to attend the support group at Shady Grove Fertility and talk through issues with people in similar circumstances was an invaluable outlet for me. It was the additional services that SGF offered that I think was the “selling point” of moving to a larger clinic that can sometimes feel like a factory of baby making. Services like this group make the experience much more personal and allowed me to be more comfortable that I had made a good decision coming to SGF.”

“My husband and I cannot say enough about how much this group has meant to us. The ability to share with people who not only sympathize, but who have been there, has been invaluable. We just don’t feel so alone anymore. So thankful Shady Grove Fertility puts value on not only their patients’ physical, but mental health as well. It is intrinsically part of this process, and all too often overlooked.”

“I attended the group counseling one time and found it very comforting in this extremely painful journey of infertility. To be able to sit in a room with people who can relate, understand, and help in giving insight is extremely beneficial to me emotionally.”

“The SGF support group has been a lifeline as we have pursued our goal of starting our family. Infertility and its resulting treatment has been an incredibly isolating journey, and has often left us feeling misunderstood and uncomfortable with our friends and family. The support group offers a safe place to process these interactions with a group of people who understand and empathize with that struggle. It is also offered at no cost, which has been invaluable throughout this expensive process. We feel fortunate that we live only an hour away from one, as there are so few resources that adequately address the emotional and psychological aspects of this life crisis.”

“Infertility support group has helped a great deal. I was reluctant to go to one, but once I did it, I never regretted it. The support group helped me to realize that I wasn’t alone in this journey, that there are many people like me out there and I am not the defected or unlucky person I thought I was. Infertility is just like any other disease and this group helped me to understand that I should not feel any shame because of my condition, it is just like having diabetes or cancer or any other disease. I think the most helpful part of this group is I can talk to others in the same language of infertility and they understand me and know what I am saying, unlike many of our friends or family members who have not gone through infertility or know about the topic, and that is huge! Imagine yourself expressing your feelings of sorrow and pain in English to somebody who does not speak English at all or only speaks a little? It would be frustrating, right? That is how I felt before I joined this group.”

“I am new to the infertility counseling group, but it has been a tremendous help to me and my husband already … just to have an outlet during this extremely difficult time in our lives. Group support and counseling sessions are amazing!!”

“These support groups played a big role in making me feel comfortable transitioning over from IUI to IVF. It is really helpful to hear other patients’ experiences, especially with the meds and injections. I actually just started my first day of stims last night. It’s also nice to have a place to go where you can relate to and talk to others going through similar experiences.”

“My husband and I absolutely love attending the support group. I wish they were more frequent. I can’t say enough positive things about the group. It helps us tremendously cope with our infertility struggle, it gives us hope and encouragement.”

“My husband and I didn’t think we had any insurance options to pursue IVF. One of the support group members had similar issues through her employer and offered guidance on other pathways to explore.  We were able to undergo IVF treatment at SGF as a direct result of her recommendations.”

“The support group facilitated by social workers at SGF has been very helpful. The group helps us not feel so alone. It is very helpful to meet with the group in person. In the waiting room and appointments, things are so lonely despite being surrounded by other couples who are going through something similar. The group has changed that for us. We now don’t feel so alone. “

“The SGF infertility support group has been helpful to me during this process to sit with other men and women who are navigating the same path, even though we are at different stages or our roads may vary. There are rarely safe spaces out in my own community to talk about the fears, doubts, frustrations, challenges, and sadness of infertility and the invasive, expensive, low-yielding treatment process. And even less opportunities to talk judgement or ‘helpful comment’ free. ‘Just relax, it’ll happen’ or ‘maybe you two just aren’t supposed to have kids’ are two phrases I’ve never heard at the support group or in any of the following exchanged emails between group members. The group doesn’t offer solutions to our infertility problems, but it offers a community where we can sit, cry, wail about how unfair this is, and leave the group a bit lighter.”

“I want my husband to know he is not the only one using donor sperm.”

“I was pretty upset about having to use donor egg when I came to my first group last year, but here I am 22 weeks pregnant because the group helped me through the grief and decision making. Now I can offer my experience to others to help them get here too.”

“You feel so alone in this that it is amazing to have a safe place to share ALL my feelings and fears, since I have to put on a happy face to others who either don’t know, maybe disapprove, or tell me to be grateful for this option. I feel that I CAN do it when I leave.”

“We just wouldn’t have had the strength to continue without the support of the group.”

“I have learned tips about such things as using needles, insurance/grant resources, and all kinds of things from those who have done treatment before. I also learned new treatment information that I can ask my doctor about to see if it might help me.”

Find A Support Group Near You

Not in the area or can’t make the support groups? Check out our Facebook page to connect with over 27k Shady Grove Fertility current, past, and potential patients. Join us today!

Read: 25 Patient Stories of Triumph E-Book

Schedule an Appointment

To learn more about SGF’s support resources or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please contact the New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755 or complete this brief online form.

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A recent national survey conducted by RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, of whom SGF is a visionary partner, reveals the overwhelming majority of respondents (n=425) cite emotional challenges during fertility treatment is among the biggest hurdle to seeking help from a fertility specialist.

SGF is one of only a few national fertility centers who adhere to a patient-centered integrated care model that provides services beyond the physical, offering support resources to address the mental health care needs of its patients.

“Caring for a patient’s emotional well-being is as important as treating their infertility, and we understand each patient’s experience and needs are different,” says Sharon Covington, LCSW-C, SGF’s Director of Psychological Services. “This survey confirms what we know from numerous other research studies: the emotional burden from infertility and it’s treatment is a significant factor as to why patients drop out of treatment, even when they have full insurance coverage.”

How do we support our patients emotionally during fertility treatment?

In helping to support the “whole” patient, we provide many support resources integrated into our fertility program to help reduce the stress and emotional toll associated with infertility from a medical, emotional, and financial perspective.

  • Support groups: SGF’s support groups are free and offered throughout their regions, moderated by trained mental health professionals. Each therapist has extensive training and knowledge about all aspects of infertility counseling with individual, couples, and group therapies. The support groups offer highly effective ways to learn different techniques for managing the stress of treatment in a supportive and open environment.
  • Educational events: These free events are physician-hosted in-person seminars and virtual webinars. These events are intended to inform and educate current and prospective patients about what to expect when seeking care from a fertility specialist, types of testing to diagnosis infertility, infertility treatment options, affording fertility care, and much more. Each event concludes with an anonymous question and answer session so that attendees have the opportunity to get their personal questions answered by the practice’s physician experts.
  • Patient Stories: We place a high value on collecting and sharing stories through our website and social channels in order to inspire hope and belief. These stories provide an honest and heartwarming look into the trials and triumphs patients face during their infertility journeys.
  • Social Channels: The SGF Facebook page and Instagram page of over 28,000 followers offers a community of support and encouragement for many patients. Used as a platform for information seekers, current patients, former patients, and their loved ones, it offers an opportunity for the community to discuss and learn more about infertility, share experiences, and seek advice.
    • “Our Facebook community offers a safe place for patients to seek advice and share experiences with others who have walked the same path, helping to overcome the isolation felt by many patients,” adds Covington.
  • Emotional Support Articles and Blogs: These pieces help patients through some of the hardest parts of infertility including miscarriage, the impact fertility has on a person’s romantic relationships as well as friendships, and managing emotions during the infertility process. We encourage our patients to establish a support network by tapping into the practice’s resources.

What patients are saying about SGF’s support resources

“I remember the isolation I felt month after month, seeing pregnancy announcements and baby bumps all around me. Everywhere I looked I was bombarded with reminders of what I couldn’t achieve, the status of motherhood. And then I met a legion of people who cared, who understood, and my experience and mindset was transformed. I felt I had the wind at my back, and I could continue in pursuit of my dream. And I’m so glad I did, as I now am proud to have earned the name, Mom,” shared a former SGF patient.

“Hearing a patient’s experience with infertility in their own words and how they overcame this obstacle made me feel less alone and gave me hope to keep persevering,” says a former SGF patient.

“Seeking (and accepting) support is like weaving a safety net for yourself; the more connections or stands of support you have the stronger your net becomes, and the greater the likelihood of being able to move forward with treatment despite obstacles that may stand in the way,” says Covington.

Schedule an Appointment

To learn more about SGF’s support resources or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please contact the New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755 or complete this brief online form.

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Ellen Eule, MSW, LCSW-C

It may not be intentional and we may not even realize that we set boundaries to protect ourselves in various aspects of our lives. As I write this blog about setting boundaries, I think a lot about my own boundaries, my physical and emotional boundaries, my boundaries in my work life, and my boundaries in my personal life. Oftentimes they are all connected, sometimes they are not, but without fail, I am aware that when I keep my boundaries in mind, I am more likely to face life’s challenges feeling more in control and able to make decisions that are in my best interest.

What are boundaries and why is it important to set healthy ones?

Boundaries are physical, emotional, and mental limits that exist within our environment to keep us, ideally, safe.  In some cases, boundaries may be set for us; in other cases, we set them. We learn about boundaries from the time we are very young, from those set by parents and caregivers, with the primary goal of keeping us physically safe.  As we get older, many physical boundaries stay in place, but now intangible boundaries come into play in our lives as our emotional and psychological boundaries take on even more significance. We become aware, so to speak, of where we end and the other person begins. We realize that we can say “no” to others and they can say “no” to us. We are individuals and, even in very close or intimate relationships, we are separate beings with independent needs.

People have different emotional and physical boundaries based on many things. Our cultural and religious beliefs (which may be, but not always, connected to how our families taught and observed boundaries) our age, gender, as well as our generation’s values and expectations, all contribute to how we manage our boundaries. These may be fluid and changeable, depending upon what’s going on in our internal and external lives.

Schedule An Egg Freezing Appointment 

Thinking about and keeping boundaries we are comfortable with is central to self-care and, as we know, effective self-care helps to reduce physical and emotional stress. So, as you go through fertility treatment, looking to your boundaries may help you discover your internal safety net. Try setting boundaries in one or more of the following situations and see how it feels and observe yourself, does anything change in your outlook?

Questions asked of you
You are entitled to your privacy, and your privacy may be viewed as quite different from secrecy. Become empowered to set limits on the types of questions you will answer—and from whom.  If questions seem intrusive or inappropriate you don’t have to answer them. It may help to think about your responses to questions in advance of situations where you know others may inquire about your family planning.

Social media
Your newsfeed on Facebook and Instagram may be flooded with painful reminders that others in your circles are achieving what you wish you could. This is a tough one to avoid, but when even the anticipation of this activity fills you with dread, it’s time to disconnect. Not forever, just for now.

Attending events
It’s okay to decline an invitation to a baby shower, party, or any event that you worry will be too hard. You are not being antisocial or inconsiderate, you are taking care of yourself by setting a boundary.

Your medical treatment
You may feel that your physical boundaries are being permeated, maybe even invaded. There is no question, as you go through fertility treatment there will be certain procedures you must do, but there are some you may decline. Communicating with your medical team in straightforward ways that meet your needs and respect their roles, will help keep your physical and mental integrity.

These tips hopefully will help with setting boundaries, which in turn will lead to increased nurturing and protection of yourself from both internal and external negativity. But remember, it is just as important to find outlets for support during treatment.

If you would like to talk about how setting boundaries can help you, consider making a counseling appointment.

Shady Grove Fertility’s team of dedicated new patient liaisons is available to answer your questions and schedule a consultation for you to meet with one of our 35 physicians. Call 877-971-7755 to schedule an appointment or click here.

About the Author: 
Ellen Eule, MSW, LCSW-C is a licensed clinical social worker with decades of experience counseling individuals, couples and families. She has a special interest in helping people build their families, whether that journey takes a traditional route or a circuitous one “I stay present and aware of the unique needs of every client.”

Editors Note: This post was originally published in May 2016 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness as of May 2018.

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A miscarriage is a common experience, but that doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and SGF reminds you we are there for you at every turn providing support services and community resources to help and encourage you on your road to parenthood.

Having a Miscarriage Doesn’t Mean You Won’t Deliver a Healthy Baby

Since miscarriages are quite common, one miscarriage is not considered cause for exceptional concern. In fact, 70 to 75 percent of those with unexplained causes for a miscarriage will go on and successfully carry their next pregnancy to full term. Chances of a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage are almost greater than the risk of another failure, especially if you find the significant problem. “Patients should feel reassured overall that it’s far more likely they’ll have a successful pregnancy and healthy baby,” stated Jeffrey L. McKeeby, M.D., of Shady Grove Fertility’s Annapolis, MD, office.

If a woman has had two or more miscarriages, determining the underlying cause becomes necessary. “We recommend a fertility evaluation after two miscarriages,” reminds Jason Bromer, M.D., of SGF’s Frederick and Hagerstown, MD locations.

It is important, as well as stressed, that women should not be worried about a certain cause of miscarriage until the testing and evaluation are complete. After having an evaluation with a physician, he/she will then work with you in getting the proper care and treatment that you need in order to have a successful pregnancy in the future.

If a genetic condition is causing the miscarriage, a physician may recommend preimplantation genetic screening (PGS) with in vitro fertilization (IVF) treatment. PGS determines if any genetic abnormalities are present by examining the chromosomes to determine a normal copy number. If a genetic disease is found, the disease can be prevented from passing onto the child through IVF treatment. If it is an anatomic problem with the shape and size of a woman’s uterus, surgery is often recommended depending on the structural problem. For a medical condition, your physician may order testing and recommend treatment of the condition prior to, or in conjunction with, infertility treatment.

It is essential to live a healthy and active lifestyle to the best of your ability in order to have a successful pregnancy. Smoking, certain recreational drugs, excessive alcohol, excessive caffeine, and obesity are all linked to an increased risk of recurrent miscarriage. Many couples experience decreased risk of miscarriage when they address certain lifestyle factors. A physician can provide guidance on addressing these lifestyle changes if necessary.

Shared Risk 100% Refund Program

Shady Grove Fertility developed the Shared Risk 100% Refund Program to help make fertility treatment more affordable. Shared Risk offers up to 6 IVF or donor egg cycles and any subsequent frozen embryo transfers for one flat fee.

For many couples who have experienced pregnancy loss, Shared Risk can act as an “insurance” in the unfortunate event of a miscarriage. It is our hope that this program allows patients to think a little less about the money and more about building a healthy family. Shady Grove Fertility recognizes that offering a refund in no way eases the pain of a loss but hopefully helps in the decision of whether to try another cycle.

Support after a Miscarriage

We understand that taking the step to try and have a successful pregnancy after a miscarriage can be challenging. If you decide to take this step, we encourage you to take advantage of the resources that SGF makes available to you, including a full psychological support team who provides individual and couples counseling for SGF patients. In addition to our monthly support groups, there are online resources such as the SGF Facebook page where over 23,000 SGF Sisters share stories and inspiration.

Patient stories are also a wonderful resource to find support and hope, as these patients successfully overcame infertility. They shared their stories, struggles, journey, success, and words of encouragement.

Kat and Mike’s Story
Andreia and Thomas’s Story

At Shady Grove Fertility, we aim to provide resources and support from a medical, emotional, and financial perspective. Having support allows you to have a safety net; a net that grows stronger with more connections. A strong support network lifts us up when we get low and provides the strength we need to keep moving forward in the direction of our dreams.

Schedule an Appointment

To learn more about miscarriage or to schedule an appointment, please call our New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755 or click here to complete this brief online form.

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Sometimes making that initial call to ask for help is the hardest one to make but it could be the most important if you’re struggling to conceive. Many things can get in the way of reaching out and getting assistance or beginning fertility treatment—sometimes these obstacles are within a relationship or other times they’re more personal and private. At times, even the myths associated with infertility and treatment can become obstacles, too. For example, many have heard the advice from well-intentioned (but ill informed) friends and family to “just relax and it will happen” while there is no clinical evidence to support this notion.

Infertility is a condition of absence—that is the lack of a wished-for baby—and despite it being recognized as a disease by every health organization, some find it hard to accept it as such and seek help.

Here are some of the common barriers that may be keeping you from realizing your dream of having a baby, and helpful strategies to overcome:

“If we just keep trying on our own, maybe it will happen, eventually.”

Infertility is described by the World Health Organization (WHO) as a “disease of the reproductive system defined by the failure to achieve pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse.” For women over 35, it is recommended to seek medical consultation after 6 months (or sooner if there are other health-related issues) as age plays a major factor in fertility. Thus, if you delay getting appropriate medical help, this can become a factor in prognosis and treatment.

 “I’m afraid it won’t work.”

As a friend once wisely stated, “fighting the fear is always harder than fighting the fight!” Fear is paralyzing while taking action is liberating, and becoming well informed helps to mobilize you. Infertility is a treatable disease and Shady Grove Fertility has a proven record with many options to help you have a baby.

At SGF, we take a stepped-approach to fertility treatment often starting with more basic fertility treatment such as ovulation induction (OI) or superovulation, coupled with intrauterine insemination (IUI). In fact, approximately 25 percent of patients achieve a pregnancy through simpler treatment options. With over 40,000 babies born through fertility treatment at SGF, our highly specialized staff provides our patients with the best possible care and greatest chances of conception.

“My spouse and I don’t seem to be on the same page about the lengths to which we should go to have a baby.”

It is not unusual for couples to have different ideas about the type of fertility treatment and how far each is willing to go in treatment. It can be helpful to put a specific time aside on a regular basis to talk about what your feelings are regarding treatment, rather than having a running dialogue. A good strategy is to set aside 20 minutes every day, set a timer, and talk about your infertility, with each getting 10 minutes to express your feelings. Also, try active listening with each other, reflecting back what you hear your partner saying and feeling before stating your response. If you don’t seem to be making progress, consider reaching out to our psychological support staff for help. In fact, when couples are at an impasse regarding treatment is often the time we hear from people that counseling can be a very effective in working things through.

“I’ve lost my sense of boundaries. Being infertile has become who I am and I’m ashamed of this.”

 Infertility affects approximately one out of eight couples trying to conceive, so it is far more common than many people realize. For many it is a silent struggle with the invisible loss of the wished-for baby and a sense of defectiveness in not being able to get pregnant. And all these feelings can lead to a sense of shame that is hard to bear.  However, understanding the normalcy of your feelings and being able to talk about it with others who truly understand is the best way to unshackle the shame of infertility. This is one of the many areas where our support groups are so helpful to our patients as they go through fertility treatment.

“I’m not cut out for fertility treatment. I don’t have the mental stamina.”

 We know fertility treatment can be stressful and SGF understands this better than most. Our entire staff works to provide the best medical and emotional care, integrating services to treat the whole person. From our beginning over 25 years ago, SGF has set the standard for providing psychological support to our patients.   We have monthly support groups on a variety of topics that have been a life-line to our patients. We also have highly trained counselors who specialize in fertility counseling to work with individuals and couples, providing effective strategies for coping. It is important to know you are not alone and there are great support resources available.LE A

Schedule an Appointment

For more information about SGF’s psychological support services, overcoming barriers to seeking fertility treatment, or to schedule an appointment, please contact our New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755.

Sharon Covington, MSW, LCSW-C


About the Author:
Sharon Covington, MSW, LCSW-C, Director of Psychological Support Services at Shady Grove Fertility is a licensed clinical social worker in Maryland and a Board Certified Diplomate in Clinical Social Work with over 40 years of experience as a psychotherapist. An internationally recognized leader on the psychological aspects of reproductive health, Mrs. Covington is an Assistant Clinical Professor at Georgetown University School of Medicine, Department of Obstetrics and Gynecology, and Associate Investigator in the Intramural Research Program on Reproductive and Adult Endocrinology at the National Institutes of Health. She recently edited and authored Fertility Counseling: Clinical guide and Case Studies, and is the co-author and editor of the classic text Infertility Counseling: A Comprehensive Handbook for Clinicians.APPOINTMENT

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