Emotional support

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October 18, 2023 @ 5:30 pm – 7:00 pm

*Offered to patients in Maryland, Virginia, and Washington, D.C.*

Infertility can be a lonely experience. This is particularly true with the Black/Indigenous/People of Color (BIPOC) population as many people may think that reproductive challenges don’t exist in the community. In this group, you will be able to connect with others who are experiencing the hope, stress, and distress of treatment.

This virtual group focuses on all types of infertility issues and will help individuals and couples: 

  • Identify and practice ways to cope with infertility 
  • Share new information 
  • Understand the unique emotions around infertility/pregnancy loss 
  • Improve communication with your partner and others 
  • Process decision-making about treatment 
  • Provide support to one another 
  • Decrease the isolation of infertility

The group meets virtually and is FREE for all participants. Registration is required at least 48 hours before the group event. You must be a current SGF patient in the DMV area and provide the office you go to and your doctor’s name.  An email will be sent to you with a consent form that must be filled out before you can attend the virtual group. When you fill out the consent and return it to the group leader via email, you will then receive an invitation with a link to the video meeting. Please note that the group may be canceled if there are too few people registered. The group leader will contact you by email if the group will not be held as scheduled. 

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When going through infertility treatment, many patients find themselves feeling anxious, isolated, overwhelmed and deeply grieving the many losses they are experiencing. The constant questions of what to do next and the rollercoaster ride from hopefulness to disappointment can lead to increased stress throughout the journey.  

Carol S. Miller, MSW, who is part of SGF’s mental health services team, provides 8 tips for calming overactive minds and emotions during infertility treatment.  

1. Take care of yourself, particularly in ways that you find calming.

Find something you enjoy that leaves you feeling relaxed. Try to slow down and observe what you are thinking, feeling and experiencing in a non-judgmental way. This takes practice. Meditation apps and breathing exercises can be helpful in working towards this. 

In addition, many people find acupuncture, massage, yoga, and exercise helpful in turning down and calming a buzzing mind.  

2. Create a good team for yourself.

Because it is so personal, infertility treatment can be lonely. Isolation can easily lead to circular thinking and increased anxieties and fears. Having a group of people to help you make key decisions and to be there for you when you need emotional support is important. This group could include a doctor or nurse whom you respect, trusted friends, or family members. 

Think carefully about whose perspective and support is likely to be most helpful to you. Who helps you tune down, lighten up, ground yourself and think constructively? Who is understanding and supportive in a way that makes you feel good about yourself? Also, it is helpful to think about ways you can tactfully let people know how they can be supportive.  You’re worth it! 

3. Talk to others who have personal experience with infertility.  

Sharing information, having a good laugh together, hearing someone else’s experience, and perspective generally make people feel better.   

Think about joining one of the many support groups available at Shady Grove Fertility. You do not have to be a group kind of person to find a group rejuvenating.  Groups can also help to normalize and validate your experience. 

4. Try to re-frame your situation.

Sometimes accepting what is helps people move ahead in a better frame of mind. Once you are able to change the mindset from “this is a catastrophe” to “this is one of the biggest challenges of my life but I will get through it,” things may seem more manageable.  

5. Reset expectations.

It is important to find the line between optimism and setting yourself up for disappointment. Knowing success rates for your treatment options based on a variety of diagnostic points may help create realistic expectations. Talk with your doctor about what to expect. 

6. Trust yourself.

You may begin by feeling that the world of fertility treatment is a strange new territory for which you are ill-prepared. However, your values and established skills are a compass. For example, if you are generally a good decision-maker, are good at following directions, and understanding data, or are skilled at connecting with people, put those skills to use as you charter this new territory.  Or if one of your values is authenticity, coming back to being curious with yourself and your reactions can support you to recenter yourself. 

7. The internet is both friend and foe.

There is always one more blog to read or more information to search. More information is not always the answer.  You know yourself best—consider what is best for you in terms of screen time. And try to stick to it. 

8. Consider seeing a mental health professional.

For some, it may be helpful to develop some better cognitive and emotional coping skills to help in self-regulation during this trying time. For others, the endless loop of over-thinking may be a way of avoiding the mourning that needs to be done when you are confronted with a loss. The slow work of addressing that in one way or another is important for your present and future well-being. 

Learn more about SGF Mental Health Services

If you are currently trying to conceive, and would like more information, please call our New Patient Center at 1-877-971-7755 or click to schedule an appointment. 

About the Author: 

Carol S. Miller, MSW, is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker on the Counseling Staff at Shady Grove Fertility, and with the practice of Covington & Hafkin and Associates, seeing individuals and couples virtually who reside in Virginia, Maryland, the District of Columbia, and Arizona. Carol is leading the Mind-Body Skills Group, which starts on February 7, 2023. Carol also facilitates the General Infertility Support Group. 

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in April 2016 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness as of January 2023. 

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Before I formed you in the womb I knew you.
–Jeremiah 1:5

Pregnancy begins psychologically, long before it does physically. From an early age, children have imaginative play about having babies and being parents. Teenagers fantasize of love, marriage, and family. Young couples talk, plan, and dream about birth and how many children they will have.

If you are trying to conceive, it can seem like you already know this child well – the wished-for baby in many become pregnant, bonding increases. This is facilitated by information learned from new medical technology, which just not so long ago would not have been know until after birth. Today, blood tests can let a woman know she is pregnant before she misses her period. Sonograms provide a window into the uterus and a picture of your baby before any physical changes have occurred to make others aware of your pregnancy. Genetic blood testing can let you know the sex of your baby and genetic make-up before you are even wearing maternity clothes. Because of these factors, the fetus is seen as a baby/person much earlier and bonding occurs much sooner than in years past.

The magnitude of miscarriage – to lose a baby within the first few months of conception – can be great. For you to experience the elation of learning you are pregnant, only to feel the despair of discovering you have miscarried, is a multifaceted loss. It is the loss of a baby, a part of yourself, your health, control, innocence, potential, relationships with others, possibly your reproductive capacity, and on and on.

The same kinds of feelings can be experienced after an unsuccessful IVF cycle. You may view each fertilized egg, whether transferred or not, as a baby. When a cycle fails to achieve a confirmed pregnancy it can feel like a miscarriage.

In our society, we measure grief by the size of the coffin.

– – Sherokee Ilse, Empty Arms

It is often difficult for people to understand what a profound loss a miscarriage can be for a couple. And yet the grief can be like a tidal wave that sweeps over you when you lose your baby, no matter how far along you were. Feelings such as disbelief, anger, rage, blame, guilt, sadness, and depression may engulf you, growing and cresting with time. The feelings can recur and are highly individual, based upon your own personality and life experiences. Grieving is a uniquely personal experience.

The size and depth of the tidal wave will depend on a number of factors, primarily concerning your psychological investment in this pregnancy. For example, often the longer one has been trying to conceive, the greater the sense of loss that results from miscarrying. The wave of grief seems to crest somewhere between three to nine months after your loss.

When the crest has passed and the water seems to have calmed, there can still be swells. These are rekindled feelings and are often triggered by reminders of your baby – your due date, holidays, or times of the year. Each person has his or her own triggers which are related to real memories and what you wished or imagined about your baby.

A person is a person no matter how small …

– – Dr. Seuss, Horton Hatches the Egg
Grieving is the way to heal emotionally from the loss of your baby. Here are some positive steps that can help you in the healing process:
  • Recognize that your miscarriage is a significant and real loss. It is the death of a baby, with all the hopes and dreams. Find ways to acknowledge your baby’s existence: have a memorial or religious service; give a donation or gift to a special charity; plant a tree or flowers; put together a memory box; engrave a charm to wear; or give your baby a name.
  • Understand that you and your partner will feel and deal differently with the loss. Be patient and understanding of each other’s feelings, realizing that different doesn’t mean better or worse. You will each need time to integrate this loss into your life. Keep communication open.
  • Let people know how you feel and what they can do to help you. You may find that one of the most difficult tasks after a miscarriage is facing the people who knew you were pregnant. Sometimes they may say things that are hurtful, however well intended. Often people want to help but don’t know how.
  • Prepare ahead for such “reminder” days as your due date, holidays, and the anniversary of your miscarriage. Make some gesture of commemoration, such as lighting a candle, attending a religious service, or making a memorial donation. Have a special dinner or send flowers in your baby’s memory to someone who has been especially supportive.
  • Seek support from others who have had similar experiences, through support groups and friends, or by reading books on the subject. Organizations such as Resolve, Share, MIS, and Return to Zero offer groups and resources specifically for pregnancy loss. Professional counseling with a mental health professional trained in reproductive loss can also help you get through a difficult period.
  • Find creative ways to express your feelings. Use art as a medium to channel emotions, such as writing a letter or journal to your baby, drawing, composing music, or sculpting. This beautiful poem sums up the magnitude of miscarriage:
A Pray for Baby
Never to have known you, but to have loved you.
Never to have held you, the way mothers do.
With you I bury my hopes and dreams
For an unknown child I’d never seen.
But also I bury the love in my heart
And the sadness of knowing that we must part.
And I pray to God to do for you
All the things that I would like to do.
And to keep my baby safe from harm
To laugh and frolic in springtime’s arms.

Suggested Reading

The Miscarriage Map: What to expect when you are no
longer expecting. Sunita Osborn, 2019.

Support Resources

Resolve
Miscarriage, Infant Death and Stillbirth (DMV
area)
SHARE
MISS Foundation
Return to Zero

Used with permission of:
Sharon N. Covington, LCSW-C
August 2022

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Facing the challenge of infertility can be a stressful time for couples, but it does not have to be a strain on your relationship. Working together as partners can help you form a strong bond and allow you to move through the infertility journey as a team. It’s important to find ways to support your partner so you can recognize their feelings and needs.  

Four ways to support your partner during infertility: 

  1. Ask your partner how you can help decrease their stress.  
    • It is important to note that stress is likely not causing infertility, but it can be helpful to have coping mechanisms in place to reduce stress throughout the journey. The American Society of Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) offers a Stress and Infertility Fact Sheet. Listen to your partner’s guidance on how you can help your partner reduce stress and follow through with their requests.    
  2. Have open and honest conversations about treatment plans.  
    • When a treatment plan changes or doesn’t go as planned, be ready to discuss preferred next steps with your partner. Check in on how your partner is feeling about these adjustments. Learning more about treatment options can be a great place to start in supporting your partner. SGF provides a stepped-care approach to treatment and provides support throughout the process.  
  3. Plan fun activities together.  
    • Don’t forget to prioritize spending quality time together. Since dealing with infertility can feel like a full-time job, it is important to take time off by consciously making time for each other. Have regular dates where you can have fun and take a break from infertility. Do some of your favorite activities like taking a long walk, enjoying a good meal, or watching a favorite movie or show. SGF’s psychosocial team offers some ways to enhance your relationship during infertility.  
  4. Encourage your partner to join a support group or seek counseling and join them, too, if helpful. 
    • SGF offers patients a wide range of support services, including support groups, online communities, and resourceful articles. SGF is proud to have an in-house team for psychological support and can recommend other preferred partners. Attending one of our support groups is a highly effective way for you and your partner to learn different techniques for managing the stress of treatment in a supportive and open environment. 

Nurturing your partner throughout fertility treatment can ease the bumps and inevitable stresses of the journey. When you and your partner feel supported and heard, you will both be better prepared to handle obstacles that might come your way.  

Find a support group near you. 

Contributed by:
Mia Joelsson, LCSW-C

Mrs. Joelsson is a licensed clinical social worker in Pennsylvania, Virginia, West Virginia, and Maryland. She has a special interest in working with individuals and couples facing reproductive challenges of infertility, pregnancy, pregnancy loss, and postpartum adjustment. She sees clients virtually and in her Gaithersburg, MD office.  Mrs. Joelsson is passionate about helping infertility graduates who are adapting to the new realities of pregnancy and parenting after struggling with infertility. She leads the virtual miscarriage support group that SGF offers.  

Schedule Appointment

To learn more about how to support your partner during infertility or to schedule an appointment, please call our New Patient Liaisons at 1-877-971-7755 or click here. 

Editor’s Note: This article was originally published in December 2016 and has been updated for content accuracy and comprehensiveness as of July 2022.

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December 20, 2022 @ 5:00 pm – 6:30 pm

*For Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia patients only*

It is often difficult for people to understand what a profound loss a miscarriage can be for a woman or couple, especially if you have been trying hard to conceive. To experience the elation of learning you are pregnant, only to feel the despair of discovering you have miscarried, is a multifaceted loss. It is the loss of a baby, a part of yourself, your health, control, innocence, potential, relationships with others, the future, and on and on.

A miscarriage is challenging enough to experience under the best of circumstances, with the most support and understanding. However, during the pandemic it has been much harder due to social isolation and distancing from family, friends as well as medical caregivers. This virtual support group is being offered for those grieving the loss of a very much wanted baby in these stressful times.

The group is FREE for all participants.

Registration is required at least 48 hours before the group event. You must be a current SGF patient and provide the office you go to and your doctors name. An email will be sent to you with a consent form that must be filled before you can attend the virtual group. When you fill out the consent and return it to the group leader via email, you will then receive an invitation with a link to Ring Central video meeting. Please note that the group may be canceled if there are too few people registered. The group leader will contact you by phone or email if the group will not be held as scheduled.

For more information or to sign up, please email Mia Joelsson.

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July 25, 2023 @ 5:00 pm – 6:30 pm

*For Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, and West Virginia patients only*

It is often difficult for people to understand how profound the loss of a pregnancy can be for a woman or couple, especially if you have been trying hard to conceive. To experience the elation of learning you are pregnant, only to feel the despair of discovering you have lost that pregnancy, is a multifaceted loss. It is the loss of a baby, a part of yourself, your health, control, innocence, potential, relationships with others, the future, and on and on.

A pregnancy loss is challenging enough to experience under the best of circumstances, with the most support and understanding. However, during the pandemic it has been much harder due to social isolation and distancing from family, friends as well as medical caregivers. This virtual support group is being offered for those grieving the loss of a very much wanted baby in these stressful times and is also designed to help with the increased anxiety with trying to conceive and being pregnant again after pregnancy loss. Members are invited to stay in the group all the way through their next pregnancy.

The group is FREE for all participants.

Registration is required at least 48 hours before the group event. You must be a current SGF patient and provide the office you go to and your doctors name. An email will be sent to you with a consent form that must be filled before you can attend the virtual group. When you fill out the consent and return it to the group leader via email, you will then receive an invitation with a link to a HIPAA compliant Zoom meeting. Please note that the group may be canceled if there are too few people registered. The group leader will contact you by phone or email if the group will not be held as scheduled.

For more information or to sign up, please email Mia Joelsson.

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