Patricia Sachs

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Increasingly, programs require donors and recipients to meet with a counselor trained in dealing with issues of third-party reproduction to assess and help prepare the parties for the process of egg donation. The counselor can give guidance about resources for support and education, and can also raise issues about the short and long-term implications of the donation. This is an important part of the process, and discussing these issues early on can help avert problems in the future.
One important concern for the donor and recipient couple to discuss is the issue of privacy vs. openness, especially if the donor is a relative. The more in agreement they are about how open they will be and with whom – as well as what the expectations are of the donor’s future relationship with the child – the better.
When family members or friends know about the donation it can be difficult to keep it a secret. Family secrets can potentially have a deleterious effect on the couple’s relationship with their child. It can be useful for the donor and recipient to “try on” as much as possible, different scenarios that may arise.
Issues such as – what is the long term obligation of the donor if the first cycle doesn’t work, or if there is a pregnancy loss – are important to think through together. Donors may become very invested in the outcome of the cycle, and it can be helpful to establish clear limits on what their obligation will be.
This is the third in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor:What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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In our clinical practice, we have seen some known donor situations that seem to work better than others. Both the donor and the recipient couple appear to have less concern about the future welfare of the donor, if the donor has already had children of her own – and even better – if she considers her family to be complete.
If the donor already has children of her own, she understands better what she is giving. Also, if she considers her family to be complete, then the risk – however small – that the process might impact on her future fertility, would not be relevant.
One indication that the process may be successful is if the donor offers to donate without being asked. This can make for a more comfortable, less pressured situation. Another sign that bodes well is if the donor, when asked, gives an extremely positive response. We have heard donors reply with comments such as “I feel honored that you would ask” or “I feel honored that you would ask” or “I feel flattered,” initial indications that the process may work out well.
Some donors have made general offers in the past, once they heard about the couple’s infertility, with statements such as,“If there’s anything I can do to help…” These donors are often relieved to discover that they only have to donate their eggs – and not carry a pregnancy – which may have raised more concerns for them about attachment to the baby.
This is the second in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Egg Donor: An Introduction
Using a Known Egg Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Egg Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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The decision to use a donor egg can be difficult one for couples. Choosing this option inevitably involves grieving over the loss of one’s biological connection to a child. However, the donor egg option enables the recipient to still be able to experience pregnancy, have some control over gestational environment, and have a baby that is genetically related to at least one member of the couple.
A further issue involves deciding whether to use a known or unknown donor. For some couples, the use of a known donor offers many advantages. If the donor is a relative – especially a sister – there can be comfort in using gametes from the same genetic pool. This can help the recipient to feel a stronger biological connection to the baby.
In addition, recipients often feel more in control and less uncertain, as they have more information about the donor than in an anonymous situation. Finally, there may be a shorter waiting time to begin the process, as opposed to the possibility of a lengthy wait for an anonymous donor.
Building a family using a donor egg has proven to be a viable and satisfying option for many. Deciding to use a known donor is a complex process with long-range implications for the donor, recipient couple and the child.
What works well, from our experience, seems to be when time is taken to clarify present and future roles, obligations and views on such important matters as privacy vs. openness. Recipients appear to feel best when donors offer. However, even when the recipient asks, donors, often respond quite positively. Giving the donor the time and space to consider the option is an important part of the process. Finally, planning a thank you ritual can be an equally important part of putting closure on what is an emotionally challenging – but deeply rewarding – experience for both donor and recipient.
This is the first in a series of articles entitled “Using a Known Egg Donor.” Read the rest of the articles in this series to learn more about the advantages and concerns of building your family using a known egg donor.
Other articles in this series:
Using a Known Donor: What Makes a Good Donor?
Using a Known Donor: What to Discuss
Using a Known Donor: How to Ask
Using a Known Donor: How to Thank
Contributed by: 
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C
Kathleen Hirsch, LCSW-C

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When you are faced with changing infertility treatment, you may be feeling some anxiety. Uncertainty over what to do and how to proceed can throw you into a feeling of disequilibrium and you may struggle to achieve a sense of balance again.

It’s important to remember that these are normal feelings. You may be coming from a place of trying for years on your own, from unsuccessful treatments, or a pregnancy loss, and experiencing a sense of grief and loss; therefore it is hard to feel excitement or place hope in the future and a chance of success with another path.

Additionally, starting or changing infertility treatments may involve more advanced options, like in vitro fertilization (IVF), or a different way to build a family, such as using an egg donor or sperm donor, and may require some emotional adjustment on your part.

Tips for Starting or Changing Infertility Treatment

Here are some tips to help if you’re faced with the decision to start a new or change your current infertility treatment plan:

Give yourself time to grieve.
Perhaps you recently had a pregnancy loss or your doctor has just told you that she doesn’t think your current treatment will be successful and that it is time to reconsider. You need time to process this information and pay attention to your emotions before choosing a new path. We all feel more comfortable when we have a plan, but changing infertility treatment just to fill the emptiness inside will not be helpful to you in the long run. Our feelings ultimately catch up with us if we don’t give ourselves the chance to deal with them at the time.

Sit down with your spouse, partner, or a trusted friend.
Evaluate the pros and cons of changing infertility treatment. What costs—financial, logistical, physical, and emotional—will be involved? Will it be a good fit for both you and your partner?

Set a timeframe for making the decision.
While you do want to give yourself time to grieve, you don’t want to be “stuck” with indecision. You can always reevaluate your timeframe depending on how your decision making process is going.

Enlist the help of your medical team, and seek counseling when needed. 
Your medical team will always be there for you and willing to guide you in this process. Seeking counseling can also give you a safe, unrushed space to work through the important decision of changing your treatment plan and come to a resolution.

Keep in mind the saying that “this too shall pass.” 
You will feel better and back in equilibrium once you have made a careful, well-thought-out decision.

Schedule an Appointment

If you are struggling with the decision to start a new or change infertility treatment plans and need additional support, Shady Grove Fertility’s support groups can be an invaluable tool as you surround yourself with others who are in your shoes. Individual or couple counseling is also available. For more information about our support groups or to schedule an appointment, please contact our New Patient Center at 877-971-7755.

Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C

About the Author:
Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C, has worked with individuals, couples, children, and families in hospital, university, and private practice settings. She has been on the counseling staff at Shady Grove Fertility since 1991, and her special interests include counseling patients undergoing IVF, treatment for secondary infertility, as well as those using donor gametes. She recently co-authored, with Carol Toll, LCSW-C, the chapter ‘Counseling recipients of anonymous donor gametes’ in Fertility Counseling: Clinical Guide and Case Studies, edited by Sharon Covington, MSW, LCSW-C, and has also published research on the demographics of anonymous egg donors. Mrs. Sachs sees patients in the Rockville and Waldorf, MD, offices. 

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in October 2017 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness as of August 2019. 

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Written by: Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C

They’re at the mall. They’re in your neighborhood. They are your friends and your family. They’re everywhere! When you have been struggling with infertility, it suddenly seems like everyone around you is getting pregnant. Everywhere you go you see pregnant women and big bellies. You can be out enjoying yourself and then you are unexpectedly confronted by this traumatic event. You feel as if you want to “flee” the situation. Especially if you are at an age when your friends and relatives are also getting pregnant and starting their families, it may seem as if everyone else is getting pregnant quickly and easily, and can’t understand why you have not.

The reality is that it is extremely painful to be faced with the visible success of others when you want this so much for yourself and feel so vulnerable and helpless. Seeing or even hearing about pregnancies can be a stimulus that triggers feelings of anger, sadness, and jealousy. You may be left feeling out of control and overwhelmed.

Support Groups

Strategies to Help Cope Around Others Who are Getting Pregnant

There are some strategies you can do to help with coping with other people who are getting pregnant or who are already pregnant that allow you to regain control of the situation and your emotions. Here are some questions to ponder and some possible solutions:

  1. Have you told any of your close friends or family members about what you are going through, even if not in a lot of detail? Letting a few close allies in on your situation can sensitize them to how difficult seeing/hearing about pregnancies can be for you. Think about what you may want from them. Do you want them to tell you about pregnancies right away, or to wait, or have someone else be a “reporter?” Would you prefer NOT to receive baby shower and birth announcements? Chances are if you can speak privately with a friend/relative about these issues they will understand and there will be fewer hurt feelings. If you simply cannot go to a baby shower, tell your friend that it is just too difficult for you to be in that kind of group setting. Maybe there will be another way to have some special time with your friend in the future. It may seem as if these relationships will be strained, but once your situation changes (and it WILL, one way or another) they can be repaired. You are not a bad person because you can’t “be there” for your friend’s pregnancy and most likely, if you express these feelings, she will understand.
  2. Take notice of when mothers and young children are most likely to be at the mall, for example (mornings, daytime, not at night!) and don’t go then. This will cut down on unexpected encounters with pregnancy.
  3. Recognize that jealousy is a normal feeling associated with infertility. Chances are you are not typically a jealous person, but this situation is bringing out these uncommon emotions in you. It is normal to feel frustrated when faced with infertility, especially as getting pregnant seems to come so effortlessly to others. These feelings of jealousy towards your friends and family members will ease in the future when your own situation has been resolved.
  4. If you are going to a party or family gathering where you know there will be a pregnant person, enlist the help of a partner, spouse, or friend. Agree on a signal or cue you can give if you are starting to feel uncomfortable and want to leave. There is no reason why you have to suffer through an experience that will set you back emotionally and leave you feeling depressed and defeated.
  5. It may seem like your newsfeed on social media is full of pregnancy announcements. We recommend joining Shady Grove Fertility’s community of hope of over 28,000 SGF Sisters. SGF’s Facebook community offers women and men facing infertility a space to share their struggles and successes. Receive support, resources, and reassurance.
  6. Last but not least, consider joining a support group of others experiencing infertility. You will find that many people face similar emotions and concerns as you and that your feelings are completely normal. Having a safe place to share and strategize about coping with infertility will help you to feel empowered to deal with the “outside world.” You may even make some new friends, which can help you feel less lonely and isolated, knowing that you are not alone in this struggle.

About Patricia Sachs, LCSW-C: Ms. Sachs has been on the psychological support team at Shady Grove Fertility for 25 years. She does infertility counseling with individuals and couples, and has led support groups and workshops for patients on many infertility-related issues including IVF treatment, secondary infertility, adoption, and families formed through gamete donation.

Schedule an Appointment

To learn more about Shady Grove Fertility’s support groups for individuals or couples experiencing infertility, or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please call and speak with one of our New Patient Liaisons at 877-971-7755. 

Editor’s Note: This post was originally published in March 2016, but was updated in May 2019. 

2026 Shady Grove Fertility

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