Are you having trouble keeping the romance alive while undergoing fertility treatment? You probably wouldn’t be surprised to learn it’s a common topic patients talk about with Sharon Covington, MSW,
LCSW-C, Director of Psychological Support Services at Shady Grove Fertility. “I hear the same question from many of the couples I work with –“how can I keep the romance alive while undergoing treatment?”.
The first step is crucial to a couple’s relationship: talk openly with your partner; the second step is to find ways that work for you to re-ignite the spark and keep it from going out. To help kick off your Valentine’s Day Sharon Covington shares some of the tips she gives to couples to not only celebrate the day devoted to love but to also spread it all throughout the year, making everyday feel like Valentine’s Day.
What Is Intimacy Anyways?
While many people associate the word intimacy with intercourse, it’s really not all about physical technique. Before you can start to be more intimate, it’s important to understand what intimacy is and how it is different than just sex, especially since men and women can think very differently about these interactions.
When working with patients either one-on-one or in a support group setting one of the things frequently covered are the different behaviors associated with intimacy. There are a range of behaviors that make up what we refer to as ‘sex’. It’s not entirely new to most of us, but when you’re trying to get pregnant, it’s easy to forget that sex isn’t just intercourse. These behaviors, also called the “Nine Areas of Sexual Relationships”, are outlined in the book Hot Monogamy: Essential Steps to More Passionate, Intimate Lovemaking by Patricia Love, MD and Jo Robinson (1995)
Nine Areas of Sexual Relationships
Communication about Sex: the ease with which you talk about your sexual relationship.
Sexual Desire: how much physical desire you experience on a regular basis.
Intimacy: your ability to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner on an ongoing basis.
Technique: your skill at arousing yourself and your partner.
Sexual Variety: your willingness to add creativity and novelty to your lovemaking.
Romance: your desire to show love for your partner in concrete ways.
Body Image: your inner image of your outer self.
Sensuality: your willingness to relax and involve all your senses in your lovemaking.
Passion: your ability to combine intense feelings of arousal with love for your partner.
Creative Ways to Be Intimate
Using a combination of the nine areas of sexual relationships, try some of the ways Sharon Covington suggests to keep the romance alive throughout the year.
Make Plans
“We often think sex has to be spontaneous, but the reality is different. Since sex starts with our minds, waiting for spontaneity to erupt probably won’t work like we hope. Put time and energy into planning and then doing some fun things, sexually.”
Get outside of Your Box
“Most couples, even in the best relationships, can get into habitual ruts. Sparking things up may require changing it up for playtime. Consider different types of attire and surprise your spouse, or maybe try a candlelight dinner with mood-enhancing scents. Try to think outside of your comfort zone with the intention of just giving something a try.”
Reminisce and Recreate Your Early Sexual Relationship
“We forget about the things that really excited us and aroused us early on in the relationship. Take some time to remember and even reenact some of your first exciting sexual interactions. Even just talking about it can help heat each other up.”
Become an Explorer
“Look around the house and find other locations to be intimate. When love-making becomes baby-making, try designating one room of your house for one and another room for the other. Consider trying someplace else to have exciting interludes.”
Don’t Forget about the Other Three Weeks in the Month
“Try some of the above to get your energy back, and then remember that your sexual relationship is about far more than intercourse. Take time to engage in some non-intercourse pleasuring, particularly during non-fertile times. Plan some playtime for those ‘off-times’ — decide and agree *not* to have intercourse to pleasure each other and show your love.”
The Ginger Jar Technique
“Two jars: one for you, one for your partner. In each, put four to six slips of paper with ideas jotted down — things your partner could do for you that let you know how much they care about you. These can be overtly sexual or non-sexual, because after all, our minds are what get the ball rolling. For example, surprising some women with flowers might lead to even sexier outcomes. Each of you takes an idea out — try it daily or every other day — but don’t tell your partner what you picked. Then follow through when the time is right and your partner is not expecting it. It’s like planned spontaneity that’s sure to target your lover’s erogenous zones.”
Try a Little Massage
“In one of our group sessions, I’ll bring out some hand cream, and just have the partners apply the cream to each other’s hands and give a little massage. It’s pretty incredible for demonstrating how simple yet thrilling even a mild form of physical intimacy can be.”
Even if they’re new to fertility treatment, most couples have some idea that their sex lives have taken on new meaning. Covington says sometimes it’s necessary to “commit to taking a few steps toward the outcome you want, and in most cases, couples will find that they can keep their relationship simmering (and maybe even hotter) through the whole journey together.”
To learn more about fertility testing or to schedule an appointment at Shady Grove Fertility, please speak with one of our New Patient Liaisons at 877-971-7755.
