I have often said that talking about infertility is like Victorian sex – nice people don’t do it! But I have found among infertile couples the same issue exists with the subject of childfree living. It seems that in discussing issues related to infertility the childfree choice is still in the closet. It is not a decision that is easy to admit to nor one that receives much support.
Anyone who is infertile is acutely familiar with the term “childless.” Then, you might ask, what does “childfree” mean? The difference to me relates to a more positive feeling that an infertile couple can still choose not to have children yet feel whole, fulfilled, and complete.
For many infertile couples I counsel, the idea of there being a choice involved in a life without children is incomprehensible. How can it be that after all the years of tests, treatments, and tears, a couple could chose not to have children? For many couples, the very thought brings up intensely negative feelings and that in itself may be a clue that it is not an option for them.
However, for some couples, other feelings may come up in looking at a life without children. When I present a workshop on the childfree alternative I ask the participants to write down some feelings that came to them when they thought of a childfree life. The most common responses are “sadness, relief and freedom.” I am struck by the lack of negative feelings and realized that, on some level, I have had my own preconceived notion that every infertile couple must feel intensely negative about a life without children. I think it’s important to look at some of the feelings and problems you face in deciding to remain childfree.
A childfree decision does not come suddenly. It usually occurs gradually as the possibility for biological parenthood diminishes and you start to consider other alternatives. But, before any decision can be made, you need to allow yourself to grieve openly and fully for the loss of a biological child. In fact, if you are having difficulty in deciding on an alternative, it might be because you haven’t fully grieved. It is a difficult time that can bring out the best and worst in yourself and others.
In trying to make a decision about alternatives, you have to do a lot of soul searching and it is often painful what you find as you do it. You have to come to terms with your own prejudices and buried feelings, which “nice, intelligent” people “aren’t supposed to” have. Thus the decision is an intensely personal one and one that you shouldn’t have to feel that you need to justify to anyone other than your spouse.
However, one of the most common things I hear from couples considering remaining childfree are their feelings of shame and guilt. You are embarrassed and ashamed of admitting that if you can’t have a biological child, then no child might be best for you. Acceptance of childfree becomes rejection of adoption. And when most of your infertility support network have chosen adoption, then it can feel like you are rejecting your friends. In addition, your support network often can’t understand your decision because it is not how they feel or see things. The result is that remaining childfree is a lonely decision and can easily become isolating if you don’t work at it.
What can we do to help the childfree couple come out of the closet? First, we have to come to terms with our own prejudices and fears about childfree living. The more open, honest and supportive we can be to someone who has made a different choice, the more “acceptable” they will feel.
Second, we can help give couples who make this choice some positive recognition for having reached a resolution. Since births and adoptions are publicly announced, we could encourage a similar proclamation for the couple who has made the decision to remain childfree.
Last, we need to continue to facilitate a support network within the infertility community for resources for couples who have chosen or are considering living childfree, like we do for adoption. Childfree couples need to know that their continued involvement with infertility support resources plays an important role in helping other people in their situation face their infertility.
Contributed by:
Sharon N. Covington, MSW, LCSW-C
Director, Psychological Support Services
