Dawn

Our family’s journey began when I was 19. I was in college… doing well academically, part of the SGA, in a sorority, in the dance company and working in the Psychology Department. Becoming a parent was the furthest thing from my mind at that time, yet just prior to my 20th birthday I discovered I was pregnant.

I had a beautiful baby daughter at the age of 20 and when she was a year old I met the man I knew would be my lifelong partner. Four years later we were married. We were already parents together, but had lots of late-night talks about how excited we were to get started on having more children. We both wanted a big family. We each only had one brother and loved the thought of our house being filled with laughter, love, and the potential for lots of noise and screaming matches over who gets the last piece of cake.

Discovering our infertility

After months, and months, and months of trying with no success, we went to my doctor to get answers. A few evenings later, I can remember standing at the top of the stairs yelling down to my husband “You better hurry up we have a business to take care of!” He looked up at me and said, “The doctor called today.” I still remember how my heart sank when he told me the doctor informed him because of his sperm count, we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant on our own.

Beginning the journey

There were extremely heartbreaking times, yet days so full of joy I have no words to describe what we felt. Our journey started with IVF. Our first try was a pregnancy that turned out to be ectopic, resulting in a ruptured Fallopian tube which then had to be removed. On our fourth round of six available IVF procedures (as we used the Shared Risk 100% Refund Program), I got pregnant!

During our first ultrasound, they saw one baby. A week later there were suddenly two! However, several sonograms later, one of the baby’s hearts stopped beating. The other baby continued to grow, and nine months later I gave birth to our daughter. We now have a very bubbly, self-proclaimed “chatty” seven-year-old girl that makes us question if we even need televisions in our home, because she is a CONSTANT source of entertainment! A year after our daughter was born, we did a frozen cycle with the remaining embryos from our first three rounds of IVF, and one week later I was pregnant again… it seemed too easy this time. Almost nine months later we had our first son. Although more reserved and yet still a ball of wit, our family still didn’t feel complete.

An incomplete family

Although we both always wanted a large family, I still chalk this “incomplete” feeling up to having one more frozen embryo stored at Shady Grove Fertility for years, which we always incorporated into our thoughts, hearts, and plans. It was almost as though we knew we would be having another child and just had to decide when we would pick him or her up.

Now we had three children but still wanted more. When our son turned one, we went back for that last embryo and did another frozen cycle, which was unsuccessful. I felt the same loss I had felt many times before. Our initial agreement to go back for that one embryo turned into deciding to start treatments all over again. This time, our insurance changed a bit and agreed to pay for IUI treatments which seemed like a possibility. So we went for it. Four rounds of IUI later, I got pregnant! Of course, I am skipping over all of the ups and downs of all the times I went through – tons of shots, seemingly endless four-hour round trips to doctor’s appointments, and the repeatedly sunken feeling of disappointment when the pregnancy tests came back negative.

I will never forget our drive home after our first sonogram with this pregnancy. My husband’s face was painted with concentration as he calculated daycare costs, but mine was a smile from ear to ear. I was pregnant with twins – something we both said we would love to have long before we ever knew about our infertility, but we didn’t necessarily plan for it to happen on the last go-round. This pregnancy was rough, to say the least, and just weeks shy of when babies can survive outside of their mother’s womb, I went into early labor due to an infection in my uterus. They took their last breath just after they were born. This was, and still is the lowest point of our journey.

I will never be able to decide what’s worse: the pain of not being able to have children or the pain from losing them. Many might call me crazy, and perhaps they would be justified, but within a week after we lost our twins I left a message for my nurse at Shady Grove Fertility explaining what had happened, asking when I could physically start trying again. I was getting older and knew that even six months could impact my ability to get pregnant. I wanted our family to be complete and now it felt very broken. After the years we put into this journey, the hell if I was closing this chapter of our lives this way.

Finding support

I was hurting, however, so for the first time I reached out and started attending a local peer-led general infertility support group which met monthly. We all had different experiences but connected in a way that I frankly, had grown tired of trying to explain to others. We all understood, without having to even say a word, the depth of what we wanted but could not have. This group allowed me to talk to others about what we had been through and where we were going. Without this experience, I would not have healed as well as I have. I was also able to connect with a couple of women through the hospital who were Shady Grove Fertility patients and had lost their babies. One of them lost her twins around the same time I did. It was nice not to have to explain myself, justify my sanity, or plea my case to those who questioned my heart’s plan for our family.

The courage to move forward

Following this loss, our insurance company gave us approval for another six rounds of IUI. We did all six, and all were unsuccessful. After long talks and thorough consideration, we made some decisions. We didn’t want to drive brand new cars. We didn’t mind mowing our own lawn or cutting back on eating out. We held off on vacations for a couple of years, and we took every remaining penny we had ever saved and invested it into our second Shared Risk Plan. We never looked back and have zero regrets.

Once we were approved to go forward with the Shared Risk Plan again, I completed our first round of IVF. We were told we had three excellent embryos and a fourth that looked really good. I held back the tears as I knew the physician was telling me out of excitement, but one of my greatest fears had always been leaving an embryo behind, let alone two. We transferred two that day and had the other two frozen. Two weeks later I learned I was pregnant although filled with joy, my next feeling consisted of a gut-wrenching pain because I knew what decisions would lie ahead for us.

Within a week, I had a miscarriage. We continued on. The second round we did as a frozen cycle. We transferred the two remaining frozen embryos. I got pregnant and about seven months later, we had a baby boy. He came a bit early, but after a nine-day stay in the NICU, turned into a happy, healthy 18-month-old. From the moment he was born, our family felt complete. He is the center of our family’s joy and watching him interact with his siblings is by far the greatest fulfillment in my life. Each member of our family is so precious to each of us. Without this journey, we would not be who we are today and because of it, we are whole. Now when someone asks me if we are thinking about having more children, without hesitation I tell them we are done.

A family completed

My husband put his arm around me when we were at a family pool party just a few weeks ago, and while submerged in water up to our shoulders and getting splashed repeatedly by our 18-month-old, he whispered to me “our lives are stressful and chaotic, but I love you and I wouldn’t have it any other way.” There are six of us living in our house. Quiet nights are a thing of the past. We joke about this, but we often find that one by one we gradually follow each other into any room in our house. Eventually, we all seem to end up piled into one small space, complete with our dog, who eventually will make her way in.

There are occasions when I let responding to a birthday party invitation slip through the cracks, and nights when my child is the only one on the t-ball field without the correct color socks. We are far from perfect, but we are perfect for each other. I can say our family is now complete. It is a feeling of comfort, knowing we are all finally together. Every day when I glance at any of their little faces, I lose my breath just for a second. They are incredibly precious, I am forever thankful for them all, and watching their love for one another is without a doubt, my favorite part. For this, I am eternally grateful.

My advice to others

Do what is best for you! What feels right for one person may be completely wrong for the next. I have talked with many people who have experienced infertility. I have heard their stories, sorrows, and joy. I have supported them in their decisions, even when I wanted to tell them what I thought they should do. Most importantly, I have seen the outcomes of their decisions and their happiness as a result. Some have decided to live as a couple with no children, others have stopped infertility treatments and adopted instead, and some have had children as a result of IVF, just like me