No one would dare say that Debbie Herbstsomer and her husband John didn’t go the extra mile in trying to conceive.
The Herbstsomer’s story is being echoed around the world as men and women continue the growing trend of marrying and starting a family later in life. In Debbie’s case, “later” meant she was 37 by the time she married. Fortunately, she knew better than to wait much longer than after a year of trying to conceive before seeking professional fertility assistance. The couple came to Dr. Robert Stillman at Shady Grove Fertility.
After running through the usual diagnostic tests, the experts determined that there was no discernible cause for their infertility. “Unexplained infertility” is a frustrating term, to say the least. About 10 to 15 percent of couples that walk through the doors of fertility experts walk out with this diagnosis on their chart.
Undaunted, the couple went through five cycles of intrauterine insemination (IUI) with no pregnancy resulting. From there, they took the next recommended step — in vitro fertilization (IVF) — with limited success. Debbie conceived on the first try, but miscarried around eight weeks into the pregnancy.
Still, the couple persevered through additional IVF cycles — in all, five “fresh” cycles and two frozen embryo transfers (FET). One FET resulted in pregnancy, but it also ended around eight weeks.
At that point, Dr. Stillman suggested the couple use donor eggs in their next IVF cycles. Before making the emotional leap to using another woman’s egg, the couple chose to try one more IVF with their own eggs and sperm — and their twin sons came nine months later, in October 2006.
The Other Side of the Story
To hear the story told from a strictly medical standpoint, one could easily walk away with the impression that Debbie and John’s three-year journey through infertility treatment was simply a matter of try, try again.
Granted, with the typical challenges presented by any IVF treatment cycle, going through a total of 12 treatment cycles (including the IUI’s) would seem to take a particular kind of strength. The truth is, though, that patients whose situation requires more aggressive or lengthier treatment than others do not feel extraordinary. They are simply doing what must be done to achieve their heart’s desire. To the outside world, they may appear strong and resolute. Inside, however, they are mustering every cell of energy and positive thinking possible. For most, it is by far the biggest challenge ever presented to them personally and within their relationship.
After her first miscarriage, Debbie started feeling the strain.
“Around that time, I saw pamphlets about Shady Grove’s Mind-Body group, in the clinic waiting room,” she recalls. “I asked Dr. Stillman about attending, and he thought it was a great idea.”
The idea of a group appealed to Debbie because, “It wasn’t so intimidating to be in a group and hear what others are experiencing. I felt like individual counseling would amount to whining about it.”
The Women’s Mind-Body group was her first counseling experience of any kind. During the first session, participants were asked to fill out a questionnaire about their feelings. Debbie found herself unexpectedly emotional as she put her thoughts on paper.
“Besides the hormone drugs that you’re on during treatment,” she remembers, “I was so emotional at that point. I just started sobbing, and we hadn’t even started talking in the group yet…” By the end of class, she had a sense of “unbelievable relief” and looked forward to returning.
“The bond that we all formed was wonderful,” Debbie says. She and several of the other group participants have remained in touch beyond the ten-week series’ end.
While John was supportive and happy for Debbie, he was a bit reluctant to attend the Mind-Body group; but he did, as did many of the other spouses during the two sessions to which husbands were invited.
“I was surprised at how much he shared in the session he went to,” Debbie recalls about the meeting with participants’ spouses. “He talked about how helpless the whole thing made him feel, and all the guys just chimed in, nodding their heads.”
Through the years of trying, in the end, Debbie believes that infertility brought her and John closer together, but not without a bit of work. “It was tough,” she looks back, “we walked on eggshells at first, until it finally came to head. He had a hard time watching me go through the injections, the mood swings, the ultrasounds. After awhile, we were able to find some humor and joke about some of it, like all the shots he had to give me.”
Additional Relief from Another Source
While the Mind-Body series taught Debbie a variety of ways to address her stress levels, which can translate into enhanced fertility, she felt the need after her second miscarriage to seek another caring ear. She contacted Sharon Covington, the Director of Psychological Support Services at Shady Grove Fertility.
“The second miscarriage really threw me for a loop,” Debbie remembers. In private counseling sessions with Covington, who was one of the world’s first therapists to specialize in the issues of infertility patients, Debbie was able to have a place where she could talk about the myriad experiences, thoughts, and feelings that related to her distress.
“Sharon really helped me with the guilt. I was overwhelmed with guilt, feeling like it was my fault because I waited so long to get married and at my age. I went through the ‘why me’ thoughts. She really helped me see that there was nothing wrong with me.” While similar discussions were held in the Mind-Body meetings, Debbie believes she achieved a stronger re-established sense of positive self-regard through the individual counseling sessions.
At first, their appointments were weekly, then Debbie would call to schedule as needed throughout treatment, then her pregnancy. “It helped to have Sharon there to help with the stress and worry about losing that pregnancy, too, especially through the first trimester.”
She credits both of the programs she attended, the Mind-Body sessions and the individual counseling, with helping her through the natural anger and resentment that arises eventually in most infertility patients. “It’s hard to avoid wondering why you’re being punished by not being able to have kids. There had been times when I couldn’t even visit the twins of friends who’d had IVF.”
The new mom of twins continues, “I know that people who are first going through treatment are certainly thinking ‘I can’t believe we have to do this’ and ‘Why is it so hard when we have everything else we want and we’re stable, but we can’t have children’. Those are the first things that go through your mind. And the anger and all that comes later.
Talking about it with people who understand made everything more bearable. I’m not sure I could have continued through treatment if I hadn’t had the help available right there.”
