By Laura Covington, MSW, LCSW-C

Sexual Issues during Infertility

When you are first trying to have a baby, sex can be fun. However, when it takes longer than you wanted or hoped, feelings of stress, anger, and sadness become prevalent, and sexual issues during infertility can arise. When sex becomes baby-making and not a way to express intimacy and closeness within a relationship, it usually loses its enjoyment.

Grieving a Loss

If you are unable to conceive or dealing with feelings around pregnancy loss, sexual issues for both men and women can arise.  It is not uncommon for sexual dysfunction to happen as a result of the stress surrounding infertility. One study found that about 40 percent of female infertility patients had an increased risk for sexual dysfunction compared with the control group with only a 25 percent increased risk. Desire and arousal decreased with infertility, and there was a lower frequency of sex.

Men Can Be Affected by the Pressure of Procreation

Men who are experiencing infertility have higher rates of erectile dysfunction and psychological burden and less sexual satisfaction. If a man is feeling the pressure of sex for the purposes of procreation, his own thoughts and feelings can cause difficulty for him to engage in sex. It can cause “performance” problems with the demand-nature of what he must do to make conception happen, whether it is in the bedroom or the sperm collection room.

While there are certainly struggles that can result from the stress of infertility, research shows that infertile couples can overcome sexual stress, and learning how to cope with these stressors helps with long-term protective factors in marriage.  However, it should be remembered that if there were marital problems prior to the infertility or sex was not an important part of the relationship, your sex life can really take the hit from stress. Fortunately, with help and by restablishing the channels of communication beyond the bedroom, couples can work through this.

Suggestions for Overcoming Sexual Issues during Infertility

When dealing with sexual issues during infertility, I offer these suggestions:

  1. Take care of yourself: If you are not taking care of yourself, it makes it harder to be happy within a relationship. Remember to keep routines, yet change things up when needed. Keeping these routines and taking care of yourself are important boundaries to hold so that fertility treatment and trying to conceive does not bleed into all areas of your life. Continue to exercise and eat healthily. If you are taking care of yourself, then it will help in the bedroom.
  2. Communicate: Don’t forget to talk to your partner about how you are feeling and what you are thinking. Communication is key in emotional and sexual intimacy. Our significant others can’t read our minds or always know the best way to be helpful.
  3. Be creative and spontaneous: Sexual intimacy is not just the few minutes of intercourse or orgasm. You or your partner might not feel like having sex when you feel your body is being poked and prodded during treatment. Find other ways to pleasure your partner and increase your sense of closeness. This might be by telling your partner why you appreciate him/her. Even if he/she knows, it is always nice to hear. You can also carve out some time where you two are together doing something new or something fun that you might not have done in awhile.
  4. Avoid talking about infertility: This doesn’t mean never talk about it, but to limit it so that infertility isn’t all that you discuss. Help your partner out by cleaning the house or running an errand. Remember physical touch and affection does not need to lead to sex and orgasm in order to be pleasurable.
  5. Change things up: When there are “baby-making” nights, make them expressly different than the other intimate times together. Try having sex in another room when it is for baby-making and saving the bedroom for the other times. Also, when you are tired and stressed at the end of day, it can be even more of a challenge to then have sex, so try having it at a different time of the day, such as first thing in the morning.

About Laura S. Covington, MSW, LCSW-C
Ms. Covington has experience in providing assessments and counseling with individuals, families, and groups in a variety of settings. She has a special interest in developing strategies for stress and coping during infertility treatment. Ms. Covington is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Maryland, Virginia, Pennsylvania, and the District of Columbia. Ms. Covington sees patients in Washington, D.C., and Fair Oaks, VA. For more information, call 202-412-8022.

To learn more about Shady Grove Fertility’s support groups for individuals or couples experiencing infertility, or to schedule an appointment with a physician, please call 877-971-7755 or click here