Sometimes, just when life seems to be sweeping along at an enjoyable pace, something happens to make you stop and ponder other possibilities. For Gaye W. and her husband, that event was a surprise pregnancy amid two busy careers.
“By the time I discovered I was pregnant, I thought I was having a miscarriage,” recalls Gaye. It turned out to be ectopic, meaning the embryo had implanted in one of her fallopian tubes, a dangerous situation for the mother that requires treatment with either surgery or medication. The pregnancy was lost.
Already in her late 30’s and having spent her life’s energy working in communications for high-profile D.C. area clientèle, Gaye and her husband now felt a stronger desire than ever to bring a child into their family.
The ectopic pregnancy resulted in scarring of Gaye’s fallopian tubes. Because of that fact and the couple’s age, her OB/Gyn soon referred them to Dr. Eric Widra at Shady Grove Fertility for consultation. Accustomed to prioritizing and achieving goals in her life, and worried she might not have much time left to create the family she wanted, Gaye was ready to move forward with treatment. She didn’t yet realize the turns this new journey would take.
About a year following Gaye’s pregnancy loss, another unexpected situation — emergency surgery for ruptured appendix and a resulting infection — delayed the couple’s pursuit of fertility treatment for six more months.
Besides the additional time that had passed, her appendectomy complications rendered completely damaged fallopian tubes. Accordingly, the decision was made to immediately try in vitro fertilization (IVF). By now, Gaye was 39 years old.
The Choice to Use Donor Egg
After their first IVF cycle was cancelled due to lack of response to fertility medications, a second cycle ended without a pregnancy. At that point, Dr. Widra had a frank conversation with the couple about optimizing their chances at pregnancy sooner than later and, most likely, at less expense.
Dr. Widra recommended they use donor eggs with the Shared Risk program.
“We had a little trepidation about going this route,” Gaye remembers. “Someone told me once that parenting can be a really big ego trip. But one of the things that really helped was when I heard someone say that once you conceive and the pregnancy gets under way, you get so caught up in the feelings, the ultrasounds, the growth of your belly… The fact that it’s from a donor egg really becomes insignificant.”
So, the couple “decided to give it a shot.”
After successfully creating a healthy number of embryos with the eggs of a donor chosen through Shady Grove Fertility, they underwent several IVF cycles over a year’s time. When the couple had used all but their last two embryos, Gaye started considering adoption.
“They were all so encouraging at Shady Grove,” Gaye says, “from the receptionist to the nurses… Dr. Widra became more like our coach than a doctor. He didn’t give up on us and asked us to hang in there with him, because he really believed this was going to work.”
“Lo and behold,” smiles the mother of now three children, “one of them took!” The couple’s handsome son was born on November 21, 2004 after a “good, healthy” pregnancy.
Cultural & Community Barriers
“I’m sure that there are stigmas in all cultures related to infertility treatment,” says Gaye, who is African American, “But I know it’s particularly significant in minority communities. There’s the belief that procreation should happen on its own, in addition to financial barriers to accessing treatment. Then there are the spiritual beliefs that can really get in the way.”
Gaye encountered resistance from family members who were alarmed at the mention of fertility treatment. Her mother “suggested that I let God handle this, that I should just have faith and let God work it out.” Gaye says she responded that she and her husband were doing just that: “The doctor’s have been given the capability to provide this kind of treatment, and God’s afforded us the ability to seek it.”
In Gaye’s mind, God still plays a part in letting conception come forth, even when done through fertility treatment.
Now, with her two year old son and 2 month old boy-girl twins (who resulted from a different egg donor), Gaye’s family members have no concerns about the children’s technological start in life. “They are incredibly attached to my children,” the proud mother reports.
Expert Handling Of Obstacles, Wise Advice
“There’s nothing to be afraid of,” Gaye advises, “if you arrest your fears up front. Ask any and every question that comes to mind about the process, about the donor screening. Take your time, think it through, do your research and homework, then stand firm on the decision you make. Don’t allow other people to make you think twice.”
Gaye counsels to be thoughtfully discrete about disclosure. “It’s not important to tell everyone what you’re doing, especially if it’s going to result in unnecessary pressure. Decide who you’re going to tell based on who you believe will be supportive.”
That piece of wisdom comes from what Gaye and her husband learned with her first pregnancy. “When we first started telling others about the IVF process, their immediate reactions sent signals that I paid attention to, clueing me in on who I could share such information with. I felt comfortable sharing more details with those who were very supportive. For those who expressed a lot of worries and concerns initially, I stopped the flow of information at that point.”
With their twin pregnancy, which was conceived in one cycle with two embryos, the couple shared their use of donor egg with only one other person, Gaye’s very best friend.
Because of the special circumstances in third-party parenting, which includes using donor egg, sperm, embryos, and gestational surrogates, Shady Grove Fertility has staff whose work is entirely dedicated to nothing but the donor egg program.
One example of concern that is particular to third-party reproduction happens down the road, after the children are born.
As Gaye explains, “It’s natural for everyone to remark on who the baby looks like.” She and her husband handle the comments with a dose of inside humor, just between themselves.
Sweet, Life-Changing Moments
Gaye credits Shady Grove Fertility with providing much of the support she and her husband needed to navigate their journey with IVF and donor egg. She relates anecdotes that illustrate the concern and encouragement the medical staff supplied, like the time Dr. Widra phoned to say her pre-transfer labs looked so good, he was certain she’d conceive twins.
“After all we went through before finally having my son,” Gaye now says in hindsight, “I just said ‘sure’, I’ll believe this when I see it.” Their twins were indeed the predicted result. Gaye fondly remembers that phone call.
Another sweet memory that washes over Gaye is when they discovered the twins on ultrasound. She’d already been through so many with previous IVF cycles and had viewed numerous images on a monitor. This time, she was able to discern something different even before the trained staff. “Did I just see what I thought I saw?!” she recalls. The couple was in “mild shock” when the nurse pronounced her monitor reading as correct.
Yet another story — involving different brands of home pregnancy tests and their varying results — is one that brings a giggle. Anxious to get a jump on finding out how the last embryo transfer went, Gaye used a couple of different HPT’s, both of which turned up positive — but with different colored results: one was pink and the other, blue. They later learned she was pregnant with both a boy and a girl.
“Those are the little and wonderful moments that help you get past not being able to conceive on your own,” remarks Gaye.
Now, she says that people who know her find it as amusing as she does that “the ultimate career woman is a mommy of three!”
When asked if she now thinks about the fact that her children are the result of donors’ eggs, Gaye says she does, but with gratitude. “Just like any big decision in life, you have to make up your mind, decide what’s important, and just get beyond whatever is not ideal about the situation.”
After all, Gaye says, “At this point, I’m just so glad that I’m somebody’s mom!”
For more information on Shady Grove Fertility’s Donor Egg Program, please call 877-264-3311 to speak with our Donor Egg Liaison.
