Mother's Day "Survival Tips": Finding Ways to Mother Yourself

Springtime - and the month of May in particular - can be a difficult time for women experiencing infertility. Because Mother’s Day comes in the Spring when things are being born and growing all around us, women confronting this situation are constantly reminded of what they don’t have.

For some, even the hopeful time of treatment is jarred by the cheery “I love you Mom!” messages around us. Kate remembers finding out on Mother’s Day that her intrauterine insemination (IUI) didn’t result in pregnancy.

Her journey, which started in her mid-20’s, included several rounds of different fertility drugs (including injections), first trimester miscarriage, failed IUI’s, time off to cope with the frustration, cancellation of a treatment cycle, and finally, IVF. She is now pregnant after her first in vitro fertilization cycle.

Most people have some idea of how aggravating the medical aspect of fertility treatment can be, but the rest of the story is the number it can do on your psychological well-being.

“I wasn’t prepared for how difficult the emotional journey would be,” Kate says in hindsight. “The miscarriage felt like a slap in the face. At times, you feel it won’t ever work out, that you’ll never be happy.”

But like so many do, Kate learned that she’s far stronger than she knew. With each disappointment she picked herself up and told herself that she would feel better.

Kate also took her time in considering each option along the way. Not all women will feel the freedom to do so, because their age may impede their fertility and chances for success even with treatment.

Kate recalls how she found strength to get through that tough Mother’s Day after learning that it still was not her turn to be a mother.

“I’d just found out the IUI didn't work. I had a friend who was recovering from breast cancer. A lot of cities have a Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure over Mother's Day weekend, and a bunch of us ran the race with our friend. Seeing what she had gone through... wow. She was focused on recovery.” Kate knew that she, too, could focus on the outcome she was working toward, rather than on the let-down’s along the way.

There are a number of things that you can do to help yourself cope with the unique set of challenges that Mother’s Day presents. Holidays celebrating parenthood are often painful for infertile people, and so it is important that you be proactive and think ahead about how you want to spend the day. In preparing, think about self-care as three different areas—physical, emotional, and spiritual—and then try and focus on each one as it pertains to you. Here are some “survival tips” to help you get through:

Physical

Although you’ve heard it a thousand times before, it is easy to forget about physical self-care when you are involved in fertility treatment. Regardless of your treatment, you still need to try to exercise every day, even it it’s just taking a 15-minute walk. Yoga is a particularly helpful exercise as it helps you take care of yourself on all three levels and is wonderful stress reducer.

In addition, make sure you are eating healthy. While it is not a good idea to be rigorous dieting when in treatment, it is a time to be making sure you are putting healthy food in your body. On Mother’s Day, you may want to consider going for a hike, bicycling, or a picnic in the park that takes you away from crowds at restaurants.

Emotional

Surround yourself with relationships that help make you feel good and positive about yourself. Spend time with friends that are warm and caring, and devote time to your partner separate from your normal daily activities. Find ways to have fun in your life, maybe even by going out and enjoying the good things about spring, and defocusing on Mother’s Day.

Set aside 10 to 15 minutes each day to relax, unwind, meditate, and imagine positive things in your life. Allow yourself “indulgences”. What makes you feel good? Maybe it’s taking a bubble bath with candles lit, or reading a favorite novel in a quiet room. It’s important to pamper yourself during stressful times in your life.

Spiritual

If religion is an important part of your life, you might want to find some way to address what you’re going through in a spiritual way. One idea would be to light a candle for yourself and say a special prayer recognizing the mother within you. Or you may want to consider taking this opportunity to educate your clergy about the experience of infertility and how they can be more supportive to those struggling with it.

Try to find a purpose for what you’re going through. Often times people going through infertility find ways to put meaning into this painful experience which can be very helpful to them over time. In effect, it allows them a way to “make lemonade out of the lemons” that life has handed them.

Discovering ways to mother yourself physically, emotionally and spiritually can be energizing and healing. Taking one or two actions in each of these areas will allow you to focus on you being good to yourself and help you get through.